Funny Things To Email & Forward

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death.. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O. K., Get in the car with it.”

Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover; but the frozen skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what
was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.

She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
shop. She was jubilant.  Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!’

The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.’

Not exactly a joke, but I thought this would be fun to share.  Enjoy!

Pick your favorite fruit from below:

1. Orange
2. Apple
3. Banana
4. Coconut
5. Pineapple
6. Papaya
7. Mango
8. Cherry
9. Black Grapes
10. Peach
11. Custard Apple
12. Pear

Which did you pick?  Read below to see what type of person you are:

ORANGE – If orange is your favorite fruit, it speaks of a person who has enduring patience and willpower. You like to do things slowly, but very thoroughly and are completely undaunted by hard work. You tend to be shy, but are reliable and trustworthy friend. You have an aesthetic bent of mind. You select your partner with care, and you love with all your heart, and not in for just a fling. You avoid conflict at all costs.

APPLE – If apple is your favorite fruit, you are an extravagant, impulsive and outspoken person, often with a bit of a temper. While you may not be the best organizer yourself, you make a good team leader and are good at taking things forward. You can take quick action in most situations. You enjoy travel immensely. You ooze with charm when you are with your partner. You have an enthusiasm for life, unmatched by most.

BANANA – You are a softy! Loving, gentle, warm and sympathetic by nature is the banana lover. You often lack in self-confidence and are quite timid by nature. People often take advantage of your sweet temper, and sheer vulnerability to a situation. You adore your partner in every which way, both for their mental and physical beauty! Because of the way you are, your relationship is always very much in harmony!

COCONUT – The coconut lover is a serious, very thoughtful and contemplative person. Though you enjoy socializing, you are particular about the company you keep. You tend to be stubborn but not necessarily foolhardy. Shrewd, quick-witted and alert, you ensure that you are right on top of any given scenario, especially at work. You need a partner
with brains, and while passion is important it certainly isn’t everything for you.

PINEAPPLE – You are quick to decide and even quicker to act. You are brave in asking career changes, if that is what is to your advantage. You have exceptional organizing abilities and are undaunted by the size of the task at hand. You tend to be self reliant, sincere and honest in your dealings with others. Though you are not given to making friends very quickly, but once you do, it is for life. Your partner is often impressed with your sterling qualities but disappointed in your ability to show affection.

PAPAYA – You are truly fearless and take much that happens in life in your stride. You give considerable thought to things you do. You have a sense of humor that, along with your generous nature, keeps you in most people’s good books. You are a go-getter in your professional life, and have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. You enjoy
meeting new people and seeing new sights whenever you can. Your sense of humor is what attracts members of the opposite sex to you more than anything else. It is simply charming!

MANGO – A mango lover is a personality to reckoned with; quite often, you are a person who has quite fixed ideas, and influencing you is not an easy task. You tend to be an extremist with strong likes and dislikes, and at times even like to control a situation ion. You enjoy getting involved in something that presents mental challenge. Strong as you
may be, you are like a kitten when you are with your partner. You accommodate the love of your life, and make up for all the strong will elsewhere!

CHERRY – If cherry is your favorite fruit, life isn’t always as sweet for you. You often face ups and downs, particularly professionally, and find that you make small sums of $$$, instead of a lump sum. You have a fertile imagination and are often involved in creative pursuits. You are a very sincere and loyal partner, but find that expressing your feelings
is not very easy. Your home is your haven, and you love nothing more than being surrounded by close family and your beloved partner.

BLACK GRAPES – You are a polite person in general, but do have quick flare-ups of temper that cools down just as quickly. You enjoy beauty in all forms, including beautiful people. You are very popular because of your warm, gregarious nature. You have a zest for life; you enjoy everything you do, right from the way you dress, to your style and
your day-to-day life. Your partner must share your zeal and zing for life to enjoy all you have to offer!

PEACH – Like a peach, you enjoy the juice of life and all its lush ripeness! You are the friendly sort, and are quite frank and outspoken, which adds to your charm. You are quick to forgive and forget; and value your friendships highly. You have an independent and ambitious streak in you that make you a real go-getter. You are the ideal lover, fiery and
passionate but sincere and faithful in love. You don’t, however, like to display all that passion in public.

CUSTARD APPLE – You are a modest and conservative person who can be quite sensitive at times. You tend to be thoughtful and contemplative, and therefore are rarely rash in doing things. You are quite ambitious and are good at anything that requires much detailing or working with numbers. You are quick at finding fault with others. While looking for a partner, you value a person’s intellect far above their looks or good old passion. You are quite shy and not very comfortable demonstrating affection.

PEAR – If you put your mind to something you can do it successfully, but by and large you tend to be fickle and have trouble completing a task with the enthusiasm you started it with. You need to know the results of your efforts almost immediately. You enjoy mental stimulation and love to get into a good discussion! You tend to be a restless and high-strung person, and are easily excited. Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect! It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections!

“Luigi,” the father says to his son, ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’

Son says: ‘I will choose my own bride!’

Luigi says: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.’

Son answers: ‘Well, in that case, ok’

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, ‘I have a husband for your daughter.’

Bill Gates answers, ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!’

Luigi says, ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’

Bill Gates answers, ‘Ah, in that case, ok.’

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi says, ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’

President answers, ‘But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!’

Luigi says, ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.’
President answers: ‘Ah, in that case, ok.’

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

This joke was submitted by one of our readers.  Thanks Gene.

A man calls home and maid answers. ‘Let me speak to my wife.’

‘Well Sir, she is busy.’

He says, ‘I’m busy too, put her on’.

Maid replies. ‘I’m sorry sir; she can’t come to the phone.’

The man says ‘Look, is your job important to you?’

Maid says, ‘Yes, very important.’

Man says, ‘Then put my wife on the phone now!’

Maid answers ‘Sir, I didn’t want to tell you this but she is in the bed room and, well she is with another man.’

He goes berserk, cools down, and asks the Maid if she has a gun.

Maid says ‘Yes I do.’

He says, ‘Go in there and shoot them both, I’ll give you $10,000 cash.’

So the maid leaves the phone and he hears a bang, then he hears another and another then again and once again. The maid gets back on the phone and reports, ‘Well sir it’s done.’

He asks, ‘What were all the shots?’

Maid says, ‘I shot her first and she died right away but when I shot him he got up and ran down the hall so I plugged him again then he ran outside and around the pool so I shot him again and this time he died.’

The man exclaimed, ‘Pool? Wait a minute, Is this 555-4350??’

A blonde was upset she could not sell her car after being about 6 months of trying to sell her vehicle privately and not having any luck.

Her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car and she said that she had 232,000 miles on her car.  Her friend told her that that was the problem and that she had a brother who was a mechanic and that he could turn back the mileage on her car to about 40,000.  The blonde was ecstatic and had him turn the mileage back on her car.

Two months later her friend asked her how the sale of her car went.  The blonde told her friend why should she sell her car when it only has 40,000 miles on it.

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

‘What’s up?’ she asks.

‘I think I’m having a heart attack,’ cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, ‘Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she’s got no clothes on!’

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

‘You rotten hussy,’ she screams. ‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’

Furious, Bert yelled,

‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope’, she replied.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert…Shoulda bought a hat.’