Funny Things To Email & Forward

This joke is in honor of this year’s election. After you have read it, I really do hope you go out and cast your vote.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance ‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.’

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign ‘FREE KITTENS’ next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a  motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.  It’s Senator Obama.

‘Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?’ he asked.

‘Kittens’ Little Mary Pat says.  ‘They’re so small, their eyes are not even open yet.’

‘What kind of kittens are they?’ he asked.   ‘Democrats’ says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.  Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign  manager and told him about th e little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there an d tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the ‘FREE KITTENS’ sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason..

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat.

‘Now, don’t be frightened,’ he said, ‘I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you’re giving away today.’

‘Yes sir,’ Mary Pat said, ‘The are all REPUBLICAN kittens.’

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, ‘But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.’

Little Mary Pat says, ‘Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’

‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘Whose clock is that?’

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’

‘Incredible,’ said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’

‘Where’s Barack Obama’s clock?’ asked the man.

‘Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” 

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.

Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was … God I still miss him.

But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited!” 

“Wonderful!” said the husband. “But why?”

“You’re with the government … this time I KNOW I’m gonna get SCREWED!”

Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choice our President put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

Here is a visual of what electile dysfunctional looks like:

“My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you’ll join with me as we try to change it.”

- Barack Obama

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
————————————————

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green’

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome’ Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008.

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign,

 ”FREE KITTENS” next to them.
 Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

 ”Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?” he asked.
 ”Kittens” Little Suzy says.
 ”They’re so small; their eyes are not even open yet.”
 ”What kind of kittens are they?” he asked.
“Democrats” says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.
 Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, hav e all the media there and tell everyone about these “democrat” kittens.

 The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her  box of kittens with the “FREE KITTENS” sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

 Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.
 ”Now don’t be frightened,” he said, I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you’re giving away today.”
 ”Yes sir,” Suzy said, “they are all REPUBLICAN kittens.”

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, “But yesterday you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”

 Little Suzy says, “Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself.” When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered. “He’s gonna run for Congress.”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense..’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’