Funny Things To Email & Forward

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful one. “You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”

“He’s an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!”

“You did. All over his suit, ” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him,” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything i do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Thank you for considering my request.
The penis………

The response:

Dear Mr. Penis,
After assessing your request,
And considering the arguments you have
Raised, the administration rejects your
Request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured and stimulated in
Order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
The correct protective gear.
It’s doubtful you’ll work until normal retirement age of 65.
You’re unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
The days work.
And if that were not all you have been seen constantly entering and
Leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags…..

Sincerely,
The Management