Funny Things To Email & Forward

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.  

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

The doctor tells the white guy, “your wife had triplets”! Guy says, “I’m not surprised I got a dick like a chimney”! Dr says, “well you’d better clean it cause they’re all black”!

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast.’ Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“Honey”, he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker. “It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!!”

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ‘What are these, Dad?’

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.’
 
‘Oh I see,’ replied the boy. ‘Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.’ He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, ‘Why are there 3 in this package?’

The dad replies, ‘Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.’

‘Cool’ says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, ‘Then who are these for?’ 

Those are for college men,’ the dad answers. ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.’

‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ‘Then who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12Pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, ‘Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..’

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the Husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come From her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice, He said: ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me, how can I possibly repay you?  ‘My darling,’

She replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” 

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.

Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was … God I still miss him.

But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited!” 

“Wonderful!” said the husband. “But why?”

“You’re with the government … this time I KNOW I’m gonna get SCREWED!”

If only my wife was this dirty?!  Is that as dirty as he wants her?  I’ve seen dirtier cars… 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95″.

The amazed father asks: “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s testicles.”

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’

‘Where are you going, Coochy Coo?’ asked the wife.

‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,’ he answered.  I’m going to have a beer.’

The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’  She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:  Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he  could think of saying was, ‘Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar…You  know…they have frozen glasses. ‘

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?’  She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back.  I promise. OK?’

‘You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?’  She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

‘But my sweet honey… at the bar.. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’

‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?  LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!  SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?’

and…they lived happily ever after.

Ah…the sweetness of marriage.