The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff...."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
Read More...A lady had a nightmare one night and woke her husband up.
“Quick!” she said. “My husband is coming back!”
Her husband JUMPED out of bed, quickly put on his clothes, and ran to the door. Just as he was opening the door, he stopped and said, “Wait! This is MY house!”
One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what
was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!’
The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.’
This joke was submitted by one of our readers. Thanks Gene.
A man calls home and maid answers. ‘Let me speak to my wife.’
‘Well Sir, she is busy.’
He says, ‘I’m busy too, put her on’.
Maid replies. ‘I’m sorry sir; she can’t come to the phone.’
The man says ‘Look, is your job important to you?’
Maid says, ‘Yes, very important.’
Man says, ‘Then put my wife on the phone now!’
Maid answers ‘Sir, I didn’t want to tell you this but she is in the bed room and, well she is with another man.’
He goes berserk, cools down, and asks the Maid if she has a gun.
Maid says ‘Yes I do.’
He says, ‘Go in there and shoot them both, I’ll give you $10,000 cash.’
So the maid leaves the phone and he hears a bang, then he hears another and another then again and once again. The maid gets back on the phone and reports, ‘Well sir it’s done.’
He asks, ‘What were all the shots?’
Maid says, ‘I shot her first and she died right away but when I shot him he got up and ran down the hall so I plugged him again then he ran outside and around the pool so I shot him again and this time he died.’
The man exclaimed, ‘Pool? Wait a minute, Is this 555-4350??’
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ’screw you.’
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.
“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!” asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough!”
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!”
The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said – “Small world isn’t it!”
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’
That’s when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.
The doctor tells the white guy, “your wife had triplets”! Guy says, “I’m not surprised I got a dick like a chimney”! Dr says, “well you’d better clean it cause they’re all black”!