Funny Things To Email & Forward

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say,  'What a peaceful & loving couple.'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied:  "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.

We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife got off the horse, quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

The  wife and I  were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy   Sunday morning.  I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I  want you to  immediately sell all my stuff.."

"Now why would  you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that  you would eventually remarry and I don't want  some asshole using my  stuff...."

She looked at me and  said: "What makes you think I'd marry  another asshole?"

A lady had a nightmare one night and woke her husband up.

“Quick!” she said.  “My husband is coming back!”

Her husband JUMPED out of bed, quickly put on his clothes, and ran to the door.  Just as he was opening the door, he stopped and said, “Wait!  This is MY house!”

One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what
was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.

She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
shop. She was jubilant.  Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!’

The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.’

This joke was submitted by one of our readers.  Thanks Gene.

A man calls home and maid answers. ‘Let me speak to my wife.’

‘Well Sir, she is busy.’

He says, ‘I’m busy too, put her on’.

Maid replies. ‘I’m sorry sir; she can’t come to the phone.’

The man says ‘Look, is your job important to you?’

Maid says, ‘Yes, very important.’

Man says, ‘Then put my wife on the phone now!’

Maid answers ‘Sir, I didn’t want to tell you this but she is in the bed room and, well she is with another man.’

He goes berserk, cools down, and asks the Maid if she has a gun.

Maid says ‘Yes I do.’

He says, ‘Go in there and shoot them both, I’ll give you $10,000 cash.’

So the maid leaves the phone and he hears a bang, then he hears another and another then again and once again. The maid gets back on the phone and reports, ‘Well sir it’s done.’

He asks, ‘What were all the shots?’

Maid says, ‘I shot her first and she died right away but when I shot him he got up and ran down the hall so I plugged him again then he ran outside and around the pool so I shot him again and this time he died.’

The man exclaimed, ‘Pool? Wait a minute, Is this 555-4350??’

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of  sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.  This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ’screw you.’

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.  Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.  This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.  You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.

“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!” asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough!”

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!”

The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said – “Small world isn’t it!”