Funny Things To Email & Forward

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah: HIJKLMNO
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it is H to O

Teacher: Now Sam tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Willy: Me

Teacher: Tommy why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George

Silvia: Daddy can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.

Teacher: How do you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don’t bite any

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Ellen: I is
Teacher: No Ellen, always say, “I am”
Ellen: Alright, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: Can anybody give an example of a “COINCIDENCE”?
Johnny: “Sir, my mother and father got married same day same time.”

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but admitted doing it. Do you know why his father did not punish him?
Johnny: Because George still has the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Johnny: Because of the sign
Teacher: What sign?
Johnny: School Ahead! Go Slow

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world  go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella  said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?’

The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

‘The  prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.’

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, ‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’

The fairy godmother replied, ‘It is the least  that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?’

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, ‘I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once  had.’
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.  Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: ‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.’

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

‘Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off’

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.” She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!” The nun says “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun.  “Why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.’

Now wipe that smile off your face.

The doctor who has been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you know these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep.”

She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes dear, I know that, but every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand-daughter drinks, and believe you me; it helps me sleep at night.”

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in ‘Like’ with her. But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love. And so….on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

“It’s only fair to warn you , I’m a total golf nut, ” Ed said to his newfound lady friend, “I eat, sleep and breathe golf so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”

“Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes….you need to know that I’m a hooker.”

“I see”, Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought…..

Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine…And those who don’t.
As Ben Franklin said; “In wine there is wisdom, in water there is bacteria”.  In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.  In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health!!!

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit…

Mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now…cause this is the last stop!” “And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train…cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train…but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say…

“All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and we hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She heard her little darling continue… “For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.