Funny Things To Email & Forward

I wonder if we can really plant these in our backyard.  We'd all be in a glutinous, yet blissful, world!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
 
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
 
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
 
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants."
 
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
 
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
 
Just send the wine back..."

Good ole Frank…
 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
       

Passenger: “Who?”
       
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
       
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
       
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
       
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
       
Cabbie: “There’s more … He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
       
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
       
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
       
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
       
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died … I’m married to his fucking widow.”

For years doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us, only to be told later that they bad for us, and again they tell us that some foods are bad for us, and all the time they’ve been good for us.  There doesn’t seem to be much proof either way to suggest what is good or bad, until now that is.

Garlic is definitely BAD for us.

“You Are, What You Eat”

“Luigi,” the father says to his son, ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’

Son says: ‘I will choose my own bride!’

Luigi says: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.’

Son answers: ‘Well, in that case, ok’

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, ‘I have a husband for your daughter.’

Bill Gates answers, ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!’

Luigi says, ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’

Bill Gates answers, ‘Ah, in that case, ok.’

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi says, ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’

President answers, ‘But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!’

Luigi says, ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.’
President answers: ‘Ah, in that case, ok.’

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’

Furious, Bert yelled,

‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope’, she replied.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert…Shoulda bought a hat.’

A man went to a bar in Ireland and asked the bartender for three beers.  The bartender serves the man the three beers and watches as he goes to a table by himself and takes a sip out of each beer, one at a time.  After three weeks of the man coming in and doing the same thing, the bartender’s curiosity finally got the best of him.

Bartender:  “Laddie, I noticed that every day you come here to this fine establishment and every day you order three beers and then you go sit in the same place and sip them one at a time.  Why do you do that Lad?

Man:   “Well, you see, I have two other brothers, one is in the U.S., and the other one is in China, and I am here in Ireland, and every day, we used to go drinkin’.  Now that I am here in Ireland, I have decided to keep up the tradition of going out for a beer, and since they can not join me, I have decided to pretend like they are here with me.

The bartender understands and walks back to the bar.  Three months later, the same man walks into that same bar and orders two beers.

The bartender was horrified and walked over to him and said:  “Oh, Laddie, I am so very sorry, for one of your brothers has passed away.”

Man:  “Oh, no, no one has died….I just gave up drinkin’ “

A Chinese man came to US and his friend took him on a tour around in the city. Along the way they stopped at a hotdog stand for a bite.  As he was eating the hotdog he commented “In China we eat every part of the dog except this part.”

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar! . He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

 I apologize to any dog lovers out there…