Funny Things To Email & Forward

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

A teacher of a kindergarden class was instructing the kids on the importance of talking like a big kid:

Teacher:  “Okay, class, it is now time to stop the baby talk and to talk like a big kid.  Okay, Sammy, what did you do this past weekend?”

Sammy:  “I went to ride a choo choo.”

Teacher:  “No, Sammy, the correct word is train, you went on a train ride this past weekend.  Okay, Suzie, what did you do this past weekend?”

Suzie:  “I played with my Dolly Lolly.”

Teacher:  “No, Suzie, the correct word here is doll, you played with your doll this past weekend.  Okay, Johnny, what did you do this past weekend?”

Johnny thinks for a bit and then says “I read a book.”

Teacher:  “Oh, good, Johnny, what was the title of the book?”

Johnny:  “Winnie the Shit.”

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT  dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!  A week later, Jennifer was horrified  to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife  to exchange it, but she refused.

‘Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and  I’m Wearing it,’ she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘Never mind sweetheart.  I’ll get  another dress.   After all, it’s your special day.’

A few  days later, they went shopping and did find another  gorgeous dress.  When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
her mother, ‘Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could  wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course I  do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.’

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  
                       
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories.   ”Johnny, do you have a story to share?”, the teacher asked.
              
“Yes ma’am,” Johnny replied. “My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.” 

“Good heavens,” cried the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this story?”                                          
                                                                           
“Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she’s drinking.”