Funny Things To Email & Forward

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death.. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O. K., Get in the car with it.”

Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover; but the frozen skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’.
Later in bed that night the husband says, “Washing machine.”
His Wife replies, “Not tonight darling, I have a sore head.”
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.”
This time the husband replies, “Too late, it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand”.

The doctor tells the white guy, “your wife had triplets”! Guy says, “I’m not surprised I got a dick like a chimney”! Dr says, “well you’d better clean it cause they’re all black”!

Little boy was taking a bath with his mom. The boy says, what’s that hairy thing? Mom say, that’s my sponge. Boy says oh, Aunty has one, I saw her wash dads face with it!

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn’t work. The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, “Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, “Because I like my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, ‘Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except…..the Voodoo Penis!’

The husband said ‘The what?’

The man repeated ‘The Voodoo Penis’ and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’

The salesman then pointed to the door and said, ‘Voodoo Penis, door!’

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the salesman said ‘Voodoo Penis, return to box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said ‘Voodoo Penis, my crotch.’

The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.

So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said ‘I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me.’

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, ‘Yeah right …Voodoo Penis, my a$$…!’

The rest, as they say, is history.

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterward s she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her ‘T’ shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’

If only my wife was this dirty?!  Is that as dirty as he wants her?  I’ve seen dirtier cars… 

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, “What do you have under the newspaper?” Thinking quickly, the guy replied, “A bird.”

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, “What did you do to that naked fellow?” After a pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!”