Funny Things To Email & Forward

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn’t work. The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, “Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, “Because I like my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, ‘Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except…..the Voodoo Penis!’

The husband said ‘The what?’

The man repeated ‘The Voodoo Penis’ and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’

The salesman then pointed to the door and said, ‘Voodoo Penis, door!’

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the salesman said ‘Voodoo Penis, return to box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said ‘Voodoo Penis, my crotch.’

The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.

So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said ‘I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me.’

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, ‘Yeah right …Voodoo Penis, my a$$…!’

The rest, as they say, is history.

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterward s she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her ‘T’ shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’

If only my wife was this dirty?!  Is that as dirty as he wants her?  I’ve seen dirtier cars… 

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, “What do you have under the newspaper?” Thinking quickly, the guy replied, “A bird.”

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, “What did you do to that naked fellow?” After a pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!”

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.” The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.” The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.” The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?” The Priest said “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

There was a husband and a wife that loved to have sex. They had it everywhere and tried everything.

One day they both decided that it was getting old, the same thing over and over again and they wanted to try something new.

Later that night a space ship landed outside their window and two aliens came out. They were husband and wife and were gettin sick of the same thing over and over again too. So the male alien asks the female human if she would have sex with him and she agrees. Same thing with the female alien and the male human.

The male alien and the female human go to the bed and the male alien pulls down his pants. But the felmale human sees it and says, “It’s too small.” Then the male alien replies, “Pull on my ear to make it the size you want.” The female human keeps pulling his ear until it’s the right size. The next morning the aliens leave and the male human says, “How did you like last night?”, and his wife answers, “It was great and you?”

The husband exclaims, “It was horrible! She kept pulling on my ear!!”

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything i do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Thank you for considering my request.
The penis………

The response:

Dear Mr. Penis,
After assessing your request,
And considering the arguments you have
Raised, the administration rejects your
Request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured and stimulated in
Order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
The correct protective gear.
It’s doubtful you’ll work until normal retirement age of 65.
You’re unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
The days work.
And if that were not all you have been seen constantly entering and
Leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags…..

Sincerely,
The Management