Funny Things To Email & Forward

I wonder if we can really plant these in our backyard.  We'd all be in a glutinous, yet blissful, world!

The  wife and I  were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy   Sunday morning.  I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I  want you to  immediately sell all my stuff.."

"Now why would  you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that  you would eventually remarry and I don't want  some asshole using my  stuff...."

She looked at me and  said: "What makes you think I'd marry  another asshole?"

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
 
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
 
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
 
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants."
 
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
 
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
 
Just send the wine back..."

Good ole Frank…
 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
       

Passenger: “Who?”
       
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
       
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
       
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
       
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
       
Cabbie: “There’s more … He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
       
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
       
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
       
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
       
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died … I’m married to his fucking widow.”

A lady had a nightmare one night and woke her husband up.

“Quick!” she said.  “My husband is coming back!”

Her husband JUMPED out of bed, quickly put on his clothes, and ran to the door.  Just as he was opening the door, he stopped and said, “Wait!  This is MY house!”

For years doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us, only to be told later that they bad for us, and again they tell us that some foods are bad for us, and all the time they’ve been good for us.  There doesn’t seem to be much proof either way to suggest what is good or bad, until now that is.

Garlic is definitely BAD for us.

“You Are, What You Eat”

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death.. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O. K., Get in the car with it.”

Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover; but the frozen skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”