Funny Things To Email & Forward

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say,  'What a peaceful & loving couple.'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied:  "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.

We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife got off the horse, quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.

A group of girlfriends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for dinner.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
10 years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

20 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

10 years later, at  90 years of age, the friends again discussed where they should meet for  dinner. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Click on the link below to see how Ma and Pa does their math.  Very entertaining!

http://worriersanonymous.org/Share/Mnpakettle.html

A group of girlfriends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for dinner.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
10 years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

20 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

10 years later, at  90 years of age, the friends again discussed where they should meet for  dinner. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

I recently went on a San Francisco tour and head into the heart of China Town.

I wanted to buy some strawberries but was too embarrassed to haggle with the vendor...

Photo & commentary submitted by our dearly beloved subscriber.

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.

She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

I wonder if we can really plant these in our backyard.  We'd all be in a glutinous, yet blissful, world!

The  wife and I  were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy   Sunday morning.  I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I  want you to  immediately sell all my stuff.."

"Now why would  you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that  you would eventually remarry and I don't want  some asshole using my  stuff...."

She looked at me and  said: "What makes you think I'd marry  another asshole?"