Funny Things To Email & Forward

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
 
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
 
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
 
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants."
 
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
 
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
 
Just send the wine back..."

Good ole Frank…
 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
       

Passenger: “Who?”
       
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
       
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
       
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
       
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
       
Cabbie: “There’s more … He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
       
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
       
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
       
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
       
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died … I’m married to his fucking widow.”

A lady had a nightmare one night and woke her husband up.

“Quick!” she said.  “My husband is coming back!”

Her husband JUMPED out of bed, quickly put on his clothes, and ran to the door.  Just as he was opening the door, he stopped and said, “Wait!  This is MY house!”