Funny Things To Email & Forward

A teacher of a kindergarden class was instructing the kids on the importance of talking like a big kid:

Teacher:  “Okay, class, it is now time to stop the baby talk and to talk like a big kid.  Okay, Sammy, what did you do this past weekend?”

Sammy:  “I went to ride a choo choo.”

Teacher:  “No, Sammy, the correct word is train, you went on a train ride this past weekend.  Okay, Suzie, what did you do this past weekend?”

Suzie:  “I played with my Dolly Lolly.”

Teacher:  “No, Suzie, the correct word here is doll, you played with your doll this past weekend.  Okay, Johnny, what did you do this past weekend?”

Johnny thinks for a bit and then says “I read a book.”

Teacher:  “Oh, good, Johnny, what was the title of the book?”

Johnny:  “Winnie the Shit.”

A man went to a bar in Ireland and asked the bartender for three beers.  The bartender serves the man the three beers and watches as he goes to a table by himself and takes a sip out of each beer, one at a time.  After three weeks of the man coming in and doing the same thing, the bartender’s curiosity finally got the best of him.

Bartender:  “Laddie, I noticed that every day you come here to this fine establishment and every day you order three beers and then you go sit in the same place and sip them one at a time.  Why do you do that Lad?

Man:   “Well, you see, I have two other brothers, one is in the U.S., and the other one is in China, and I am here in Ireland, and every day, we used to go drinkin’.  Now that I am here in Ireland, I have decided to keep up the tradition of going out for a beer, and since they can not join me, I have decided to pretend like they are here with me.

The bartender understands and walks back to the bar.  Three months later, the same man walks into that same bar and orders two beers.

The bartender was horrified and walked over to him and said:  “Oh, Laddie, I am so very sorry, for one of your brothers has passed away.”

Man:  “Oh, no, no one has died….I just gave up drinkin’ “

A Chinese man came to US and his friend took him on a tour around in the city. Along the way they stopped at a hotdog stand for a bite.  As he was eating the hotdog he commented “In China we eat every part of the dog except this part.”

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT  dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!  A week later, Jennifer was horrified  to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife  to exchange it, but she refused.

‘Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and  I’m Wearing it,’ she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘Never mind sweetheart.  I’ll get  another dress.   After all, it’s your special day.’

A few  days later, they went shopping and did find another  gorgeous dress.  When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
her mother, ‘Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could  wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course I  do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.’