Funny Things To Email & Forward

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.  God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. 

The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man.  That’s interesting.  I’m a woman.  Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’
 
Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!  But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’ 

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’

She hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.  

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’  

The woman replies, ‘No.  I think I’ll just wait for the police…’  
 
MORAL OF THE STORY :  
Women are clever and evil .  
Don’t mess with them.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.  

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.  You have to answer them instantly.  You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately.  Let’s find out just how clever you really are. 
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second place person. What position are you in?

Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong!  If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place, you are second!

To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.  Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!  You’re not having a go od time at this! Are you? 

Very tricky maths!  Note: This must be done in your head only.  Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.  Try it.

Third Question:
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.  Now add another 1000…  Now add 30.  Add another 1000.  Now add 20.  Now add another 1000.  now add 10.  What is the total?

Answer:
Did you get 5000?  The correct answer is actually 4100.  Don’t believe it?  Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day.  Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:
Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.  What is the name of the fifth daughter?
 
Answer:
Nunu?  NO!  Of course not.  Her name is Mary.  Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round.  You can partially redeem yourself with this one.

Bonus Question: 
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.  By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.  Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?  

Answer:
He just has to open his mouth and ask.  He’s blind, not mute – so simple.

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE ‘SMART PEOPLE’ IN YOUR LIFE!

How many points does Tweety need before retiring?

This was submitted by one of our readers. Thank you, Kristen. 

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In TheCoffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions, switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Marijuana’

6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action Of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of Sunglasses, how should he express himself?

     
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer… ……….
 
 
He opens his mouth and says. “I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.” 

If you got This wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.
(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer.)
I’ve got mine shutting Down right now.

If Baskin Robins were to introduce a new flavor, I would suggest “Barocky Road.”  It would be half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by fruits and nuts.  This would be in honor of the inauguration.

 Have you ever wondered about what is on the OTHER side of Mt. Rushmore?
  
Well, I did some research, and found this:

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.’