Funny Things To Email & Forward

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whack-your-boss.xls

Be careful of how you read the fine print.

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop sees him and approaches him and asks,’Can I help you Sir?’

‘Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr’, the man replies.

The cop asks, ‘Where was your car the last time you saw it?’

‘It wasss on the end of thisshh key’, the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, ‘Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?’

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out….

‘Holy shit! My girlfriend’s gone, too!!

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn’t work. The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, “Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, “Because I like my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah: HIJKLMNO
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it is H to O

Teacher: Now Sam tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Willy: Me

Teacher: Tommy why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George

Silvia: Daddy can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.

Teacher: How do you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don’t bite any

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Ellen: I is
Teacher: No Ellen, always say, “I am”
Ellen: Alright, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: Can anybody give an example of a “COINCIDENCE”?
Johnny: “Sir, my mother and father got married same day same time.”

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but admitted doing it. Do you know why his father did not punish him?
Johnny: Because George still has the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Johnny: Because of the sign
Teacher: What sign?
Johnny: School Ahead! Go Slow

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world  go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella  said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?’

The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

‘The  prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.’

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, ‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’

The fairy godmother replied, ‘It is the least  that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?’

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, ‘I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once  had.’
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.  Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: ‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.’

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

‘Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off’

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but! continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.!

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, ‘Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except…..the Voodoo Penis!’

The husband said ‘The what?’

The man repeated ‘The Voodoo Penis’ and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’

The salesman then pointed to the door and said, ‘Voodoo Penis, door!’

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the salesman said ‘Voodoo Penis, return to box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said ‘Voodoo Penis, my crotch.’

The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.

So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said ‘I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me.’

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, ‘Yeah right …Voodoo Penis, my a$$…!’

The rest, as they say, is history.

This joke is in honor of this year’s election. After you have read it, I really do hope you go out and cast your vote.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance ‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.’

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign ‘FREE KITTENS’ next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a  motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.  It’s Senator Obama.

‘Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?’ he asked.

‘Kittens’ Little Mary Pat says.  ‘They’re so small, their eyes are not even open yet.’

‘What kind of kittens are they?’ he asked.   ‘Democrats’ says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.  Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign  manager and told him about th e little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there an d tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the ‘FREE KITTENS’ sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason..

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat.

‘Now, don’t be frightened,’ he said, ‘I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you’re giving away today.’

‘Yes sir,’ Mary Pat said, ‘The are all REPUBLICAN kittens.’

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, ‘But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.’

Little Mary Pat says, ‘Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.