Funny Things To Email & Forward

A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar.

“What the heck,” he says to himself, “I really want a drink.”

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your manhood?”

The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ ”

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because “It Really Satisfies.”

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?”

The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.”

The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?”

The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!”

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you guys call yours?”

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because ‘Quality is Job One’.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”

The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY…..’Like a Rock!’… And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,”The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”

The cowboy says, “Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!’ “

The doctor who has been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you know these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep.”

She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes dear, I know that, but every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand-daughter drinks, and believe you me; it helps me sleep at night.”

Just try this.  It is from an orthopedic surgeon. This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t. It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1.  While sitting there you are at  your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and  make clockwise circles.

2.  Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6′ in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so !!!  And there’s nothing you can do about it !!!!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

Send it to your more intelligent buddies to frustrate them too.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’

‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘Whose clock is that?’

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’

‘Incredible,’ said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’

‘Where’s Barack Obama’s clock?’ asked the man.

‘Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in ‘Like’ with her. But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love. And so….on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

“It’s only fair to warn you , I’m a total golf nut, ” Ed said to his newfound lady friend, “I eat, sleep and breathe golf so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”

“Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes….you need to know that I’m a hooker.”

“I see”, Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought…..

Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

Two redneck farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, having a beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.”

Bob thinks that’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:  Math,  English,  History, and  Logic.

“Logic”, Jim says, “What’s that?”

The Dean says “I’ll give you an example.   Do you own a weed-eater?”

“Yeah”, says Jim.

Dean says “Then, logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think you would have a yard.”

Jim says, “That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done”, says the Dean.  “Because you have a yard, I think, logically, you would have a house.”

Jim says, “Yes, I do have a house.”

The Dean says, “And because you have a house, I think, logically, you  might have a family.”

“Yes”, Jim says.  “I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet”, the Dean says.  “Because you have a family, then, logically, you must have a wife, so logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

Jim says “I am a heterosexual.  That’s amazing  -  you were able to  find out all of that because I have a weed-eater!”

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves  to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about the classes he signed up for:  Math,  English, History,  and  Logic.

“Logic”, says Bob.  “What’s that?”

Jim says, “I’ll give you an example.  Do you have a weed-eater?”

Bob says “No.”

Jim says, “Then you’re a queer.”

If you can’t read the caption, it reads: “The Difference Between Women and Men.”  I think there’s some truth to this image…