Funny Things To Email & Forward

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.” The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.” The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.” The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?” The Priest said “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

There was a husband and a wife that loved to have sex. They had it everywhere and tried everything.

One day they both decided that it was getting old, the same thing over and over again and they wanted to try something new.

Later that night a space ship landed outside their window and two aliens came out. They were husband and wife and were gettin sick of the same thing over and over again too. So the male alien asks the female human if she would have sex with him and she agrees. Same thing with the female alien and the male human.

The male alien and the female human go to the bed and the male alien pulls down his pants. But the felmale human sees it and says, “It’s too small.” Then the male alien replies, “Pull on my ear to make it the size you want.” The female human keeps pulling his ear until it’s the right size. The next morning the aliens leave and the male human says, “How did you like last night?”, and his wife answers, “It was great and you?”

The husband exclaims, “It was horrible! She kept pulling on my ear!!”

After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of
the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly woman he’s runnin ‘ around with!”

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything i do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Thank you for considering my request.
The penis………

The response:

Dear Mr. Penis,
After assessing your request,
And considering the arguments you have
Raised, the administration rejects your
Request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured and stimulated in
Order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
The correct protective gear.
It’s doubtful you’ll work until normal retirement age of 65.
You’re unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
The days work.
And if that were not all you have been seen constantly entering and
Leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags…..

Sincerely,
The Management

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign,

 ”FREE KITTENS” next to them.
 Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

 ”Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?” he asked.
 ”Kittens” Little Suzy says.
 ”They’re so small; their eyes are not even open yet.”
 ”What kind of kittens are they?” he asked.
“Democrats” says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.
 Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, hav e all the media there and tell everyone about these “democrat” kittens.

 The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her  box of kittens with the “FREE KITTENS” sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

 Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.
 ”Now don’t be frightened,” he said, I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you’re giving away today.”
 ”Yes sir,” Suzy said, “they are all REPUBLICAN kittens.”

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, “But yesterday you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”

 Little Suzy says, “Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”

We all know those cute little computer symbols called ‘emoticons,’ where:

“:)”  means a smile  and

“:(“  is a frown  .

Sometimes these are represented by

“:-)”

“:-(”

Well, how about some ‘ BUTT ICONS?’
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

( _?_) Dumb Ass

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself.” When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered. “He’s gonna run for Congress.”