Funny Things To Email & Forward

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense..’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’

As a mom passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Banging on the door, the mother yelled ‘What in the world are you doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years old,unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Yelling thru the door the father asked what was going on.

The daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,of all places, the living room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law

In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper, Le Soleil, had a topic about generations by age group.

Generations are grouped as follows:

- The Silent generation, people born before 1945.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

- Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.

- Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.

Why do we call the last one generation Y?  I did not know, but  caricaturist explains it eloquently below…

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Jim, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

‘Wow Jim, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,’ the UPS man comments.

Jim, in obvious pain, replies ‘Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.’
‘Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?’

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, ‘How do you play WHO AM I?’

‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.’

The UPS man laughs and says, ‘Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.’

‘Probably a good thing you did,’ Jim responded. ‘Your name came up seven times.”

The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.

The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the “Hillary” postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:

*The stamp was manufactured properly.
*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People were just spitting on the wrong side.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend said: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4′ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.’

The mistress stated: ‘Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t’ say a word. We just had wild sex all night.’

The married one then said: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.  My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?

A man goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies, “Euro.”

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.

The man says: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank.”

So, how did you end up picking the names of your kids? Share your funny story with us! Or if you want a chance at Gagazine’s $50 Gift Card, share your funny story with them.

1.       You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 8 different managers. Or have moved 10 times in two years and have never known who your boss was.
2.       Your resume is on a jumpdrive in your pocket.
3.       Someone asks you what you do for a living and you lie.
4.       You get really excited about a 2% pay increase.
5.       Your biggest loss from a system crash, is that you lose your best jokes.
6.       You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
7.       Its dark on your drive to and from work.
8.       Fun is when “projects” are assigned to someone else.
9.       Communication is something your “group” is ha ving problems with.
10.    You see a good-looking person and know it’s a visitor.
11.     Free food left over from a meeting is your main staple.
12.    All art involves a white board.
13.    All real work is done prior to 8:00am and after 4:30pm.
14.    You’re already late on the assignment you just received.
15.    Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.
16.    Your boss’s favorite lines are …
              “When you get a few minutes …”
              “I have an opportunity for you …”
              “Cross-charging is forbidden.”
              “…the directional truth in a white water world …”
              “We have a new culture that will enable us to …”
              “We have a new engineering vice-president.”
              “This reorganization will allow us to streamline our way of doing business, becoming more competitive.”
17.    99% of the people in your company do not know what you do.
18.    99% of the people in your company do not care what you do.
19.    Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
20.    Change is the norm.
21.    Nepotism is strongly encouraged.
22.   Your company announces no pay increase because it is investing money in a new aircraft development.
23.   Your company announces no pay increase because the airline industry is in a downturn. And your boss gets voted “man of the year in aerospace ”
24.   Your fear to fly is becoming even worse.
25.   Everyone at the company says that without his work there would be no aircraft.
26.   An ordinary secretary has more power than an old engineer.
27.   You read this entire list and understand it.
28.  Not allowing firearms on company property is seen strictly as a suicide prevention measure.    
29.  The only people you forward this to are in aerospace too because no one else would understand!

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.”
 

*******************************
 

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
 
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way. 

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!