Funny Things To Email & Forward

Good ole Frank...
 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
       

Passenger: "Who?"
       
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
       
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
       
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
       
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
       
Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
       
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
       
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
       
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
       
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his fucking widow."

A lady had a nightmare one night and woke her husband up.

"Quick!" she said.  "My husband is coming back!"

Her husband JUMPED out of bed, quickly put on his clothes, and ran to the door.  Just as he was opening the door, he stopped and said, "Wait!  This is MY house!"

For years doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us, only to be told later that they bad for us, and again they tell us that some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us.  There doesn't seem to be much proof either way to suggest what is good or bad, until now that is.

Garlic is definitely BAD for us.

"You Are, What You Eat"

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It's nearly frozen to death.. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O. K., Get in the car with it.”

Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.”

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover; but the frozen skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."